I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
