Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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