If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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