I haven't been this sober since birth.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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