WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
