Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
