your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
