We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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