I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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