I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
There's even glitter on my cock...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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