We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
