oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
