Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
