Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
