how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
