by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i came on her dog
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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