I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I need a burrito and a hug.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
