after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
