apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
