Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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