I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
