I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
