I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
