you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
