Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You are the jesus of drinking
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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