But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
