I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
