i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
