why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
