I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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