And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
