I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
