Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
