everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
