just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
