We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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