This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
