Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
