its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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