I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
