I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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