My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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