Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
