My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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