New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
