The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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