8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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