Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
