This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
