bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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