So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
